Kristine Froeba on Bravo’s Southern Charm New Orleans: Authentic as canned gumbo from Texas

Where to begin with this contrived foolishness?

I’ll start with the rent-a-voodoo princess who wears the bejeweled and feathered turban of a Hindu Maharaja. If that isn’t enough, she also travels with a Home Decor store crystal ball, Italian Tarot cards and sprinkles Arabian frankincense and myrrh from a miniature broom–the type my grandfather kept under the seat of his car.

Bravo states that the Southern Charm New Orleans television series will follow an “elite circle of friends…born into prominent families,” presumably from New Orleans. “Presumably” being key.

The introduction begins with a male lead voice-over stating that his New Orleans is “booze, beads, and boobs,” then he boasts that he and his friends are “well-to-do.” This could only have been more grimace-inducing if he’d said “highfalutin” or “classy.”

Reagan Tucker Charleston, of the old-line Tuckers of Franklinton, LA, seems to be drawing the most ire from real New Orleanians. Reagan, the self-styled main character, seems to be what many would call a poser — not me, but many.

(Maybe me, a little.)

“My family’s been in New Orleans since the 1700s,” says Reagan. “My whole family has been living in the French Quarter for the last several hundred years, and it’s coursing through my veins.” Uh huh. Reagan spends a lot of time explaining that being raised in Covington is the same as being an authentic New Orleanian. Nope.

Reagan REALLY wants to be from New Orleans. Badly.

Reagan attended high school in Mandeville and still lives in Covington, where most of her family also lives. Per Facebook, Classmates.com and family obituaries, her mother attended high school in Bay St. Louis; her mother’s mother hails from Alabama; and her, no doubt, darling father, is from Franklinton, LA, wherever that is (although I’m sure it’s lovely).

Reagan’s ad nauseam declaration that Antoine Peychaud is “my ancestor” seems to be a big a major selling point of the series. Antoine was the inventor of Peychaud’s bitters, and according to local lore, the inventor of the very first cocktail, the Sazerac. There’s only one problem: you’d be hard-pressed to find even an amateur genealogist who would agree with that particular use of the word “ancestor”.

At best, if after you cross the ocean and journey back a few centuries, you might arrive at something akin to third cousins, four times removed. Reagan recently told the Advocate, “my great-great grandmother was Mary Peychaud.” Mlle. Marie Peychaud (New Orleans knows a un nom Anglais d’un nom Français) was descended from another branch of the family altogether. If we follow this logic, maybe we’re all descended from Charlemagne? (See “Who Is the Real Father of the Cocktail?” from The Daily Beast, and ancestory.com.)

Reagan’s Bravo edit focuses on humiliating her husband and mostly talking about fame and money. Reagan drops bon mots at table (in a valley girl accent–not at all New Orleans) that include felony accusations directed at her in-laws and announcements that her Oregonian ex-NFL husband may be broke due to his mother’s fraud. This type of behavior is apparently elite dinner party etiquette. Let’s be nice and blame it all on Bravo’s editing room and not Reagan.

Nicelle, a guest-star and New York film producer, brought the sweet little Voodoo Maharaja to the formal Metairie dinner. Nothing screams prominent elite New Orleans like an open kitchen with gumbo pots in the background. (Nicelle is nice and her husband made the wonderful Mr. Okra documentary, so we like her.)

Actually, the little old Voodoo priestess was my favorite part of the show, sort of a modern day Aunt Clara dropping in on a Samantha Stevens Bewitched dinner party. Except, instead of witches, we have Reagan and Tamica.

Tamica Lee is the other female lead. She was born in Colorado and lives in Metairie. Tamica was the hostess, and her idea of elite Southern hospitality is to insult and humiliate her guests, crash parties, cause scenes and make everyone uncomfortable–including the viewers. She also likes to talk about money and how famous she is, “everyone in New Orleans knows who I am.” Her bio says she was a Saints cheerleader and a morning traffic reporter for a few years. I’ve never tuned in for traffic news, so I guess I missed knowing her. I’m told she now hosts a morning entertainment vignette on WGNO.

The quasi-George Costanza of the series is Gentilly’s Justin Reese. Justin’s Twitter bio touts him as “Top Plaintiff Personal Injury Attorney,” however, Justin’s series introduction is a scene asking his mother if he can move back home–and bring his girlfriend.

Justin’s mother Dottie is sharp and sassy. She and his unpretentious and well-mannered (worth noting) California girlfriend Kelsey are certainly the most likable of the female leads. Justin and Mama Reese should have their own show; they are fun and real New Orleans.

Per Bravo’s standard, the husbands are edited as nice, but one wonders if at least one of the marriages will survive the reality TV divorce curse.

There’s also a young single guy from East New Orleans, activist and artist painter Jon Moody. Moody wants you to know he is very stylish and edgy. He wears blazers without shirts, lots of gold chains, and throws naked model parties. Moody is trying too hard, but is charismatic and has an authentic New Orleans vibe. Mrs. Reese and Moody together in the same scenes would be good TV.

There are plenty of the usual Hollywood moments that make locals cringe: the production faking Tremé, a poorly edited and contrived Mardi Gras parade, pretend butlers, suspect debutante aspersions, and a theme song that sounds like a beignet commercial which originated in Burbank via Disney.

My viewing party was unimpressed and repeatedly declared it boring as hell. NOLA social media was downright annoyed. I concur and advise skipping it. However, I highly recommend hiring the little Voodoo Queen for your next party.

I am.

Princess Catherina: New Orleans Psychic and Authentic Master Spiritualist, Consultant, & Practitioner of all religions, faiths and cultures for over 50 years is available for private-groups, conventions, psychic meetings, and also Tea, Charka, Spa, Reiki, and cleansing parties: frenchquartervoodoo.com

Kristine Froeba is a fourth generation Uptown girl whose varied background includes food and travel writing, celebrity ghost writing, public relations, social media management, fundraising, preservationist, reluctant tabloid hack, and litigation specialist. Kristine worked previously as a publicist and episodic blog ghostwriter for one of the Real Housewives on Bravo television. She describes herself as part foodie, part writer, part historian, historic renovation zealot, and full time dabbler.