jewel bush
Over the last year, I’ve met dozens of incredible people both personally and professionally, and I’ve followed up most of these encounters with some sort of thank you — digital, but more often tangible.
I’ve sent greeting cards and handwritten notes, which are no easy task being that my penmanship has never been even mediocre and the physical act of writing sometimes pains me. Not only have I sent notes to the new folks who have entered my life, but I’ve also mailed a variety of correspondence to my old friends and colleagues as well to remind them how amazing I believe they are.
The response rate has been abysmal, though. I feel like I’m inking thank-you notes only to throw them down a well. It is rare that I receive a verbal, digital or snail mail thank-you to my thank-you. More often than not, these notes go completely unacknowledged and I am left with thank-you-note-sending remorse.
I want to ask them: “When was the last time you opened your mailbox to a handwritten anything? Should I call the postmaster? Are you receiving your mail regularly?”
While I know that thoughtfulness can be its own reward, it generally sucks to be a dupe of someone’s poor “thank you” etiquette. Just like people appreciate receiving thanks in writing, the people who give thanks in writing appreciate receiving thanks for sending the thanks in writing. That thanks can be returned in writing, verbally or electronically too.
Does it mean that these people who I once thought cool, quirky and stand-out enough to deserve a special written say-so are now rude, ignorant people, damned to hell because they didn’t say thank you back? No. It simply means their manners need work.
I’m not the thank-you police. I’m simply a Luddite, an analog girl, in a world that’s increasingly gone digital. Digital memories are fleeting. They don’t have the same staying power as a shoebox or container full of letters and other correspondence that can be passed down, archived to provide a sketch of a life lived.
Technology is making everyone socially awkward, robbing folks of soft skills such as commonsense manners. The more connected we are with our smart phones set to receive alerts from an array of apps from Instagram to Goodreads and Tumblr to LinkedIn, the worse our follow-up becomes, because we believe the act of receiving these alerts equates in some way to responding.
The more non-verbal and face-to-face communication options translate to us interacting with live humans in less meaningful ways. Feelings are expressed with emoticons and through digital correspondence. We fumble when we are a part of an actual live exchange. What do I do when it would be much easier to send praise by RT’ing or commenting on someone’s status update?
Never underestimate the power of a proper thank you. Channel your inner Emily Post and write that note you’ve been putting off.
jewel bush, a New Orleans native, is a writer whose work has appeared in The (Houma) Courier, The Washington Post, The Times-Picayune, New Orleans Homes & Lifestyles Magazine, and El Tiempo, a bilingual Spanish newspaper. In 2010, she founded MelaNated Writers Collective, a multi-genre group for writers of color in New Orleans dedicated to cultivating the literary, artistic and professional growth of emerging writers. Her three favorite books are Their Eyes Were Watching God, The Catcher in the Rye, and Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret.
I still send thank you notes (and anniversary, birthday, just because cards), but not once did I expect a thank you note for my thank you note. Do people really do that? Goodwill and thoughtfulness should come from the heart and not with strings attached. If we all expected thanks for our thanks, where would it ever end?
This is a bizarre expectation, where in the world is this even customary
Some people really appreciate a written note or letter. A couple of times, when I’ve seen people shortly after sending them something, they mentioned how nice it was to have received the hand written note or birthday card. I’ve also seen cards I’d sent saved on refrigerators. In any case, I take the time to shop for special cards and stationery, and I write notes, because that’s who I am.
So if someone writes me a thank you card, I send them one back. As per your etiquette rules, that person needs to send me a thank you. And the cycle repeats. On and on? I’ve never heard of this rule. Is this something that was passed down to you or something you read somewhere?
I am a firm believer in hand-written thank you notes. I was taught from an early age to always send notes promptly after receiving birthday and Christmas gifts. Over the years, this has mostly shifted to notes thanking hospitality to friends after a trip. I am lucky to have several friends that send me notes in the mail from my home state of Kentucky; I always reply. Great article as always.
Are you writing sincere notes to these people or are you solely fishing for notes yourself. A thank you note in response for a thank you note is not necessary.
Sounds like a fishing expedition..
Its not customary or necessary is the leading consensus.
But can you really blame social media, smart phones and Hotmails? After all, letter writing faded from the social norm decades ago.
I agree. Thank you notes should still be written. If someone thought enought of you ,It could be an act of kindness or a gift., then an acknowledgment should be sent.